Don't Even Think About It

Recently, I had a really painful ear infection.  I was put on an antibiotic and gloriously, the pain subsided later that day.  But like a bad b-horror movie, the next morning, there was blood streaming out of my ear. 

I called an ENT and made an emergency appointment, even though I had already Googled my symptoms and diagnosed my perforated eardrum myself. 

When I arrived, the nurse took down my symptoms and I asked her if she knew what it was, she replied, "I'm just the nurse."  And so I was like, "Well, does it sound like a perforated ear drum?"  She says, "In order for the doctor to determine that he will need to stick a tube up your nose."  Tires screeching, horns blaring, arm across the passenger, whiplash terror immediately grips me up.  "A tube... up my nose?"  "Yes," she says, "the worst part is really the numbing medicine.  It tastes really bad."

Internally I'm thinking, Listen lady, no one and I mean no one, is sticking a tube up my nose.  Period.  So don't even think about it."  But outwardly, I'm all like deer in a Ford Bronco headlights, "Uhm, really?  Do I have to?  Is it going to hurt?"  "No.  It won't hurt."  20 seconds of spraying action later, my nose is dripping with novocaine and she leaves me all alone to stew in the room while the doctor takes his sweet ass time coming in.  So, naturally I start texting Megan:

Me: Holy shitballs Batman!  They are going to stick a tube up my nose!!
Megan: What????
Megan: I would need to be sedated!!
Me: I know, I'm freaking out!!
Me: My palms are sweating so bad, I can barely type.
Megan: Do you want me to come over there?
Me: No, I will be fine.
Megan: Why do they need to do it?
Me: Apparently, that's how they see the ear drum. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that you don't need to go in from the back door.  The front door works just as well.
Megan: That's what I was just thinking.  Yikes!! I feel terrible.  Are they going to numb your nose up?
Me: Yeah they already did.
Megan: Wait are you lying about this?

No, I wasn't lying about it.  One flexible camera tube up my nose and an officially diagnosed perforated eardrum later and I got my walkin' papers.  "You'll be fine.  Come back in two weeks."

And, in case you're wondering, here's what happened in stick figure illustration: